The Donald J. Trump Interview
The Underground Human sits down with the former President within hours of hearing he was indicted.
The Donald J. Trump Interview
*The following is a parody of an interview with the former President
The Underground Human: President Trump, thank you for sitting down with us today.
DJT: The, it’s my pleasure. I love how people are identifying with pronouns—he/she/it. Did you hear that? He…she…it. Say it fast. Yes—funny. Very funny. I could have been a comedian—but then Sean Hannity wouldn’t have a show, would he? (Laughs) He/she/it. That was funny when I was in grade school. I wore little knickers and ties. Cute. Very Cute. I was a top student—top. Genius then. Genius now.
The Underground Human: I am sure you were adorable…
DJT: Should I call you “The”? Or what? You look like a homeless person that got ran over by a trash truck.
The Underground Human: You can call me “The”
DJT: Oh…one of those. Like that Elliot Page. I call them guys and dolls. That way I can’t be wrong. When Elliot was a girl she wanted to be on The Apprentice. I said no. No one ever heard of her. I wasn’t going to make her famous. I’m famous. The most famous person ever… he/she/it. Still funny…
The Underground Human: Mr. President, yesterday you were indicted for paying hush money to a porn star, Stormy Daniels…
DJT: Hold on. Fake news. I call it fake with a capital “F” for fake. Capital F. I came up with that. Actually, I think Vlad may have suggested it years ago. My memory is great. Yes. (Pause) No. I wasn’t indicted. That’s fake news. And I never had sex with that woman…Ms. Lewinsky. I was never on Epstein Island. Great idea for a reality show. I’m creative too.
The Underground Human: You weren’t indicted yesterday?
DJT: No. I was not indicted. I am being persecuted by woke people. The mainstream media is owned by woke—W. O. K. E. Call letters for woke—get it? (Chuckles)
The Underground Human: Mr. President, your attorney has been on several news shows this morning saying you were indicted…
DJT: Are you talking about Messy Michael. Michael Cohort for MSNBC. What a horrible attorney. I ask him to pay hush money…now see what happened? It’s all over the news! That’s not my fault—it is his. He went to jail and got to know his roommate Bubba really well. Dropped soap. Ouch. I wouldn’t like that.
The Underground Human: Are you concerned about being under oath…testifying?
DJT: I have no problem. None. None—not Nun. That’s Juicy Joe’s problems. Nuns. I heard old man Joe paid hush money to the Vatican to keep his romance with Cardinal Buttslammer covered-up. Look into that. That’s real news. Joe Biden—fake President and boy toy for the little boy diddle-do Priests.
The Underground Human: Do you have any proof?
DJT: Have you been paying attention to me for the last forty years or so? I don’t need facts. I say things. I create facts. My people listen and believe. I am like God to them…but better. You can see me. My supporters would do anything for me. Storm the Capital. Storm Stormy. Storm the Weather Channel. A big hurricane is coming and it’s hurricane Donald. And I’m blowing hard.
The Underground Human: You’ve made some very provocative statements—even threatening violence if you’re indicted. What would you like to tell your supporters now that you’ve been indicted?
DJT: I haven’t been indicted. That’s what I would tell them. Fake News. Don’t listen. But if by chance I accidentally show up in court in Manhattan next week at 2pm I want my supporters to be there with baseball bats. It’s a witch hunt. I’m not a witch. But they’re hunting me. The woke and their new leader Baggy Bragg. Alvin Bragger will get what he deserves…and more.
The Underground Human: Mr. President, that sounds like a threat…
DJT: A threat. They said I had top secret documents at Mar-a-Lago. That was a lie…
The Underground Human: But you did have top secret, classified documents at Mar-a-Lago…
DJT: I did not. Melania may have grabbed some stuff when we were leaving. But I didn’t know anything about it.
The Underground Human: You’re implying your wife took top secret documents?
DJT: Imply. I just say facts. Just the facts. Keep up, The, Thy, or Though, whatever your name is. I say things. I create new facts. I’m fast and furious. Follow what I feed you, like a rabbit down the hole. Speaking of holes, Melania wore a cool shirt yesterday—“I Don’t Care.” She is supporting me all the way. She has my back—I have her front. But if she took classified documents—shame on her. Shame. Wouldn’t put it past her. Doesn’t she remind you of that Natasha that hung out with Boris. Funny cartoon. Love cartoons—but not Bugs Bunny. Gay. Gay bunny. Probably woke too and goes by he/she/it. (Laughs) But I can always buy a new one—new wife. Not from Amazon. I buy the best. Like I said in “The Art of the Deal”—a book better than the Bible. Always have…replacements. Always have replacements. Can you pause the button. I have to pee. Actually I have to do number two. KFC seems like it’s been going through me. Love KFC. I need a border wall on my bowels…
END of PART I of Interview
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